...Being shot up by my husband in the parking lot of my work. Yea, that's right I said it - this is what my life has come to. After doing an initial round of Clomid (5 pills, 5 days) followed by two injections of Menopur, I had only ONE "medium sized" follicle. No big guys, no other growers, just one. single. medium.sized. At 8 (whatever the measure is), it seemed like a crushing blow in light of all my other efforts to make this happen. I started crying immediately (with the large, condom-covered probe still in my couchie), and pretty much blanked out whatever else the nurse was saying/trying to show me on the blurry ultrasound screen (oh that's a follicle ... sure, looks great). She didn't appear to see the tears streaming down my face immediately (although the poor resident in the corner was shooting me sympathetic/pitying looks throughout), but upon realizing I was losing my shit; she quickly switched gears and attempted to reassure me that this was not surprising/alarming. In particular, she indicated that it often took several rounds of injections to really get the follicles growing, and appeared encouraged by the fact that (at least one) appeared to be growing. While I was not thrilled about the prospect of having to do more injections, any future course of action and chance for better results was welcome news, so I hurried off to the waiting room to get my instructions for follow up (needed to wait until between 2:30-3:00 to check the "portal" for news, call IMMEDIATELY at 3 if no news as they close). WTF - they give you a half hour window and then close for the weekend?!!! This shit is time limited people! Needless to say, I immediately re-scheduled my client for later in the day, and spent approximately ten minutes sobbing in my car while my husband attempted to talk me off the ledge. I think I was/am struggling the most with the guilt - why MY body is unable to do what it needs to do (and can't give my husband a baby/family), second-guessing everything I do, eat and drink (maybe I drink too much caffeine? did I work out too much this week? too little?) and feeling inadequate as woman. I wish I could go back a year and a half and be kinder/gentler to myself and my body and maybe this wouldn't be happening ... or maybe it would. Regardless, I can't go back and am working on accepting that this is where I am now. But it sucks and it's hard and if I'm being totally honest, I spend a significant amount of time thinking about how other people seem to have no problem getting pregnant and feeling bad about myself.
Hence the blog name - A Course in Faith. I am now actively trying to count my blessings and be grateful for all I do have - keeping faith that things will work out as they should. One amazing blessing is my husband ... not only does he have amazing sperm (according to his recent semen analysis ;), but he has been there for me 100 %. After finally getting a hold of the doctor's office yesterday ... no news on the portal, called at 2:48 pm - only to have them tell me they would call back - which they finally did at about 3:10 pm while I was on the other line trying to call them again ... they inform me that we have a one hour window to come pick up the next round of injections (as insurance is not allowing me to get them yet from the pharmacy). I was at work and needed to see a client in about 20 minutes, so my sweet husband (sleeping up for the night shift for the next 3 nights) gets out of bed, goes to the office and picks up the meds, comes to my work to do the first injection in the parking lot, and then sits in traffic for an hour + heading home (only to get ready and go to work). He came because I was freaking out about having to inject myself. I know at some point I probably need to learn - especially if this will go on for awhile - but I am literally terrified. As someone who historically passes out upon entering a doctor's office, sticking MYSELF with a needle seems sacrilegious. Anyways, he came and stuck me in my car in the parking lot outside my office and, despite the circumstances, I truly felt lucky to have so much love in my life. Today I may try to "learn" to do the injection myself, practice with him tomorrow and then go for it myself Monday (as I have work and clients all day and don't want to make him come out). Tuesday we go back and check for follicle size again. As my friend from work suggested, I am just going to pray each morning and do my best to create an environment where follies can grow (God willing).
Wish me luck ....
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